


--wonder.

by mercuryking



Series: ATOMIC ROMANCE: a story of dedication. [4]
Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019)
Genre: Drinking, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Introspection, M/M, Masturbation, Pining, Smoking, atomic romance, no beta we die like men, stupid shitty drabble i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-14 06:23:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20596172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mercuryking/pseuds/mercuryking
Summary: 'so i'll remain within your reignuntil my thoughts can travel somewhere new.my mind is blind to everything but youand i wonder if you wonder about me too.'--lauren aquilina,wonder.introspection is one hell of a drug.





	--wonder.

**Author's Note:**

> please note that this is based upon the '19 hbo miniseries and has nothing to do with the actual historical event. no disrespect is meant to any part of the tragedy in any way, shape, or form. if you truly have nothing better to do than express hatred for fanworks that cover historical events, i'd like to invite you to take a long hard look in the mirror.
> 
> inspiration struck, so here's this tiny thing.  
song: ['wonder'](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5x2VD7QtNwI) by lauren aquilina.  
quite possibly one of the most valoris songs i've come across in my expansive itunes library.
> 
> unbeta'd as usual, so any mistakes are my own.

i. _I can't control my feelings,_  
_I can't control my thoughts._  
_I'm staring at the ceiling_  
_wondering how I got so caught._  
_You're completely off limits_  
_for more reasons than just one,  
__but I can't stop._

The door shuts, and Valery is alone.

A cigarette quickly becomes his bright, warm companion, rested cheerfully against slightly parted lips as pale eyes stare aimlessly out of the window. Clothing is shed, lights are doused, darkness descends, and he lays back in silence. The ceiling is a particularly dour shade of grey tonight. Slowly, the chemist allows his thoughts to trail away from destruction and contamination and _being dead in five years_, the negativity gently carried away with the rising smoke from the burning end of the cigarette.

Instead, he thinks of home. Of Mishka, his wonderful cat. Of the Institute. Then, lastly, of Boris Shcherbina.

Sharp eyes and sharper tongue, Boris. Gruff manner, gruff voice, gruff touch... Valery swallows hard as his cheeks begin to heat up and he fidgets with the slight discomfort twinging at his nethers. It's _foolish_, he thinks, to have such a childlike reaction to someone at his age. Especially to _another man_; granted, Professor Valery Alekseyevich Legasov has had his _trysts_ during his youth, not all with the fairer sex... But even so, he mustn't entertain the idea. No, Boris is married and a party man and _not his friend_: surely he would never even entertain the idea. Especially not with an awkward, klutzy scientist with only five years left of his life.

And yet...Valery doesn't stop. Even knowing it's wrong, even knowing nothing will ever come of it, he holds that fantasy close as he snuffs his cigarette and presses his burning face into the pillow with a muffled groan of pure desire. He couldn't stop even if he wanted to.

* * *

ii. _You're aware of my existence_  
_but you don't know I'm here._  
_You're the center of attention,_  
_you control the atmosphere.  
__You're so busy being busy,  
__I don't want to interfere;  
__but I can't stop._

The meeting has devolved into bitter arguing. Valery shrinks back under the pressure, looking for all the world like a kicked puppy. He feels Khomyuk's hand on his own beneath the table, but neither scientist speaks up to defend their position. They know it's an exercise in futility. But Boris takes charge, his commanding air and rough voice silencing the entire room. Instead of allowing them to speak for themselves, however, Shcherbina passionately defends them both to the entire commission. It's enough to make the professor's heart jump into his throat, and he squeezes Ulana's hand in return. He barely feels the weight of the eyes that are on him, he's so distracted by it all.

Even Charkov's intimidating leer doesn't get under his skin this time.

So Valery merely melts into the background, allowing his companion to forget that he's even there.

In the end, they get not only the funding and equipment that they need, but also a few luxuries from Moscow will be shipped to them later in the week. Boris has even arranged for a few of these luxuries to be shared with the soldiers working at the reactor! They deserve it more than anyone, naturally, and this had been part of the Ukrainian's argument. It's nearly enough to make Valery believe that he is truly falling in love with the man. In love at fifty: how _asinine_.

That night Valery touches himself shamefully, Boris' deep, gruff voice playing over and over in his head.

* * *

iii. _If you were to stop talking,_  
_I don't know what I'd do._  
_The future's far less daunting_  
_walking into it with you.  
__So drink till you can't think  
__and pretend I'm what you'd choose  
__'cause I can't stop._

Their cheeks are flushed as they stumble back to their floor. Arms are thrown over shoulders, giggles and mumbles passing lips slackened with drink. Even _Valery_ is smiling, a true smile that crinkles his eyes and shows hints of teeth. The evening's shenanigans with naked miners and a put-out nuclear fire are quickly dismissed as strong arms encircle his middle, pulling him against an equally strong chest; he catches himself in the nick of time, unconsciously pressing that warm smile against Boris' pulse as he gives a soft huff of laughter, rare and beautiful.

"Boris, I very nearly fell! Goodness, am I _that_ drunk?" he chortles. It's the most open he's been in weeks, not to mention the least lonely.

Boris' laughter is deep and rich as he swings the scientist around, an action that a sober Shcherbina would _never_ do. "You're so clumsy, Valera! Lucky for you that I was there to catch you!" He opens the door to Valery's room and they stagger inside, both laughing now as they very nearly fall over each other's feet. "Valera, Valera! Here, maybe I should carry you!"

"Boris, no! Don't take advantage of a drunkard!" Valery's laughter turns into a squeak as the politician quite literally sweeps him off of his feet. Despite his age Boris seems to be _incredibly strong;_ the thought has Valery choking on his own heartbeat as he clings haphazardly to Shcherbina's coat. There's another bark of laughter from the politician as he adjusts the armful of scientist and navigates the cluttered hotel room; chairs, tables pushed together strewn with paperwork, ashtray, lamp...bed. He isn't gentle as he deposits the chemist onto it. "There now, you can't trip me anymore! Clumsy scientist..."

"Oh can't I?" The alcohol makes Valery bold, bold enough to reach up and pull _hard_ on Boris' tie; this disturbs his equilibrium, and he tumbles onto the bed at Valery's side. But both men are still laughing, despite a situation that would usually have at least one of them sputtering and red-faced with embarrassment.

"Well played, Valera!" A hand ruffles his hair, and Valery pretends that he's not leaning into it. That he's not _delighting_ in the intimacy of this moment, despite his drunken state. That Boris might not be looking at him so fondly that his heart aches. Their bawdy laughter eventually ebbs away into fits of giggling the longer they look at one another, but neither of them loses the smiles they're sporting. Valery's wanes only as his eyelids drop a bit, looking almost shyly up at Boris through his lashes.

"...Boris...?"

A rumble of a hum, the Ukrainian's acknowledgment of him. Their gazes never disconnect, not even when Valery's eyes flicker closed as a hand cups his cheek. "Yes, Valera?"

Oh. Oh dear. He wants so badly to tell Boris to fuck him. To insist that he pretend he's the wife he has at home. To ask if he's someone worthy enough of even a simple kiss! But what comes out instead is a soft, "...we're so old, Boris..." 

Boris' smile softens a little, tempered by what appears to be...adoration? Pity? Fuck, Valery isn't good at reading people. "...oh, Valera. My poor Valera." The chemist's heart flutters at that; _my_ Valera, he'd said! The hand in his hair cards gently through it as Boris continues; "Yes, we're old. Two old fucks trying to save the world, aren't we? And tonight we're two drunk old fucks trying to celebrate our small victories. So _celebrate with me, _Valera."

\--and Boris kisses him.

* * *

iv. _So I'll remain_  
_within your reign_  
_until my thoughts can travel somewhere new._  
_My mind is blind to everything but you_  
_and I wonder if you wonder about me too._

A tired mind replays the events of the day as lips close around the final cigarette of autumn. There is no moon tonight, so the stars are that much brighter and more valuable, even in the warm hotel room where they sit in companionable silence. Beside him there's a sigh, then Boris straightens in his chair and regards him with muted curiosity. "What is it you're thinking about, Valera?"

A chaste touch on his arm. Valery turns as he exhales a lungful of smoke, eyes deceptively soft behind his glasses.

"...nothing, Boris. Nothing at all."

**Author's Note:**

> rip in shit, i'm so sorry they don't do the nasty. c; you can imply that they did between parts iii & iv, or if enough people ask maybe i'll write it out. the song is so sweet that i didn't really wanna make anything insanely explicit that's tied to it, you know? plus their relationship isn't necessarily completely physical, i feel that's important!
> 
> i'm taking prompts! i especially like getting into valery's head about things. if there's anything you'd like me to write that's chernobyl-oriented, feel free to drop a comment on one of my works. i don't have a personal tumblr set up just yet!


End file.
